A Truly Super Super Bowl
Check this out. This is amazing. Out of the blue the NFL sent me a letter asking me to take over the running of the league. At first I was reluctant (it seemed like such a big responsibility) but then when I considered the screwy way the playoffs are run and the tiresome bombast that has become the Super Bowl, I decided to step up and make some changes. I fired off this letter to the league, and here is what it said:
Starting next year we’re going to do things a little differently. Although I am respectful of the League and it’s storied past I look at the League as essentially innovative and therefore trust that these changes will be embraced in the right spirit.
First, we’re going to do away with the AFC/NFC divisions. All the teams will be playing in a single conference and playoff seeding will be based solely on win-loss records. In round one, the first seed will play the tenth seed, the second seed will play the ninth seed, and so on. There will be no wild card teams. There will be no playoff byes. And there will be no teams with losing records getting into the playoffs while other teams with better records are denied.
While it may come as a shock and a disappointment to advertisers, there will no longer be a week off before the Super Bowl. This will reduce the ridiculous media circus surrounding the event and cut down on the tedious media exercise of trying to say the same thing over and over again in different ways. More than that, it will relieve the athletes of having to trot out the same weary, clichéd responses to the same vapid questions.
We are going to do away with the unfair and inauthentic system of holding the Super Bowl exclusively in domed stadiums in warm climates. From coast to coast, at every level, all season long, football it is played outdoors in every kind of weather condition. This adds a dimension of excitement to the game that should not be brushed aside just because a bunch of wealthy executives don’t want to get their tootsies frozen. If they can’t take it, they might want to think about giving up their tickets to real fans who regularly brave adverse weather conditions all season long to root for their heroes.
A round robin system that allows every NFL city to host the Super Bowl is fairer to the fans and the team owners and insures an economic windfall to each city that supports a team. If it so happens that a Buffalo or St. Louis seem a little too dull to be worthy of a big party like the Super Bowl, than maybe the league ought to consider moving teams to more exciting places currently without teams, like Los Angeles or San Antonio.
To some extent the League has lived in a vacuum. Except for a keen understanding of the value to itself of advertising dollars, the League has failed to recognize that the Super Bowl is no longer a mere sporting event. It has become a national holiday. More American productivity is lost on the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday than on any other day of the year (with the exception of the day after Thanksgiving).
This would seem to cry out for rescheduling the event to Saturday. But a better solution would be to simply move the Super Bowl up two weeks so that it coincides with the Martin Luther King holiday. Yes, this means that the season will have to start a week earlier but think of the benefits. Opening weekend will then fall on Labor Day weekend and the first round of the playoffs will occur during the Christmas weekend when, at present, crappy second-rate college bowl games are the only offerings.
I feel confident these changes will make for a more competitive game and a more enjoyable Super Bowl experience for all concerned. Any loss of revenue that may briefly occur due to the shock of breaking with past traditions will soon be made up by having a more engaged and enthusiastic audience.
Oh, and by the way, if you could arrange to have the Blue Angels fly low enough to kill whoever is performing the overblown, lip-synched halftime show, I think a lot of fans would appreciate that.
Your New Commissioner,